| I do stupid things. |
[18 Mar 2006|10:18am] |
And I never learn do I?
After all that has happened I won't stop.
I mean, bad things happen sober, so should I stop being sober?
Hmm....
-Tara
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| My family is really stupid. |
[12 Mar 2006|05:20pm] |
Going to my grandparent's house gives me a headache.
My grandmother only talked about how dead my hair is. How nice of her. If you don't like my hair don't look at it. She didn't apologise for calling ACS on my mom or believing Tina over me.
And my dad was there, but not with my little brother cause he can't leave Tina's side for 2 minutes. Like wtf? I would never leave a child with her. She's fucking crazy. And he is the dad...he can't be with his son alone for a day? I know she's only doing it to be a bitch.
Like does she think I'm gonna kidnap him? What would I want with a baby? The only reason she wants to be there is to start trouble. I know she won't keep her ugly face shut and if she says anything I'll kill her. Honestly, I have never had so much hatred for one person that if they just died I'd piss myself from laughing so hard.
And my dad was like can't you just forgive and forget? Can't you just get over it?
Get over the fact that she said I was a bad daughter and my mom is a terrible person, but I forgave her and she lied anyway? Forgive the fact that she called ACS on my mom for no reason, other than the fact that she's a crazy bitch? Forgive the fact that she called me up harassing me all the god damn time?
LOL NO. I gave her a second chance, and it's the only one she'll get.
Too fucking bad.
And honestly, why should I get over it and forgive if she hasn't apologised?
And even if she did I'd tell her to shove that apology so far up her ass that she'd be crapping out "I'm sorry" for a month.
-Tara
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| that high was great, but it scared me for a minute. |
[08 Mar 2006|11:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 mellow |
] |
Today I felt like I could see the ins and outs of everything. See things in one way and then another. The bad and good were the same and the truth and lies were one. When people talked I could see what they really meant, thier masks coming off for one second. My legs felt funny and I laughed for what seemed like an hour,but was probably only a minute or two. I was reminded of things from my past, only happy things. And my future looked good. And when I did see the bad I felt ok with it. I felt there and gone. I wanted him there, but I knew he was a part of me forever; I could pinpoint his exact location on my soul. Coloring the biggest portion of it, and it was a nice stain. The room was deffinetely moving. For a minute my legs were scaring me, but I figured I'd get used to it and actually like the feeling some day. My hand was so asleep that I thought it fell off and almost freaked out looking for it. Too many thoughts at once.
I have never been that high. It was good and scary. oh and funny as hell.
The only time life makes sense is when I'm stoned. Like I understand it so well that it just loses any sense of mystery or wondering and I'm ok with that. Everything seemed so empty, but full of meaning. It makes no sense now, but then it seemed right.
-Tara
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| I'm trying something new. |
[07 Mar 2006|05:54pm] |
It's called "not giving a crap."
Because if I didn't care so much things would be easier.
Only thing is I've tried this before and it never works.
I got a letter from queensborough saying I'm accepted to there. I hate growing up. And I really don't want to. Why do we have to grow up so quickly? This was supposed to be the funnest part of our lives, and I hated most of it.
And from here it just gets worse.
-Tara
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| I just messed up a friendship |
[04 Mar 2006|10:06pm] |
that was going downhill anyway, so I don't care. And I don't think she does either cause she only cares about herself.
Just I've decided some people really aren't worth bothering with. And I know who is worth my time now, too.
I hate when I get confused over what I want and in the end it turns out I wanted what I already had. Some people say it would be stupid to just follow your heart, but I actually think that's better for me. My mind really confuses me cause it's always so paranoid. If I just followed my gut instinct or my heart I think I'd be better off.
Oh and I got drunk on Friday with Jacob and Kristy :)
So much for not being drunk for 2 months lol
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| poem #228 |
[01 Mar 2006|06:32pm] |
Why do you love me?
I'm everything you hate.
I'm really not worthy to be
you're true soul mate.
You need someone better,
who's fun to be around
Not somone who's not together
and just brings you down.
You need someone who knows what to do
and isn't falling apart
someone who will only show you
all the love in thier heart.
-Tara Vella
I feel very dizzy lately. Like my head is floating away from my body. I feel drunk! But I'm not. WTF?
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| I am my own toughest critic. |
[28 Feb 2006|06:35pm] |
That is who I am.
When I look at everything in life I realized no one puts me down more than I do myself.
And no one hates me as much as I hate myself.
So I have found myself.
And I am a pretty fucked up, pathetic person.
-tara
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| fuck you benjamin franklin. |
[24 Feb 2006|10:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
eh...yes.
I am at an odd place where I am trying to figure out what I want exactly.
I already know what I want from certain people. And I've wanted such things all along.
But I am finding it hard to figure out what I want from myself.
I don't know where to look.
So I'm looking at everything I hate about myself. The list has gotten smaller in the past year but I still hate myself alot of the time.
I am too sensitive and not good at containing my anger. I have such a huge fear of abandonment. I feel empty and I think I try to fill such an emptiness with drinking.
I haven't drank in almost a month. (2 more days will be a month) I am pleased about this. Alot :)
In one month I hope to say I haven't drank in 2 months and I haven't been high in one. I am done with drinking. Weed was never really my thing to begin with.
I love Colleen. Shes so sweet. The fact that me and her have never been in the same school together and are still friends makes me think I can be friends with everyone forever. Kristy is hilarious and makes me smile when I was just crying. I don't know how she does it. Jess is great. She's funny in a sort of "I'll kill you and shit on your face" way. I talk to Matt and Paul alot now. They give such good advice on finding yourself. Although I feel like I don't get it yet. And Jacob puts up with me and I have no clue why. I know with most people he wouldn't, so that says something on his part and shows how lucky I am. He's the best friend I have cause I don't think anyone would bother with me after the way I acted. I'm a shithead some times.
I hope things go back to normal. I don't think I was ever normal though, so I might change (for the better). I just hope the relationships and feelings I had with people remain the same. I'm pretty sure on my part they will be.
-Tara
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| I'm sick of alot of people. |
[20 Feb 2006|10:01am] |
Even one of my closest friends. I've said I will try to be a better friend, but I totally did the opposite. AND I DON'T CARE. They ditched me anyway... And if I'm a bad person or friend for that, so be it. If I'm a bad person for not being able to forgive and forget, so be it. And if I can't get over the fact that people are hypocrites and should take their own advice, then I guess you could say I'm a bad person for that, too.
(x2)
My dad didn't see me this weekend like he was supposed to. Well his change of personality didn't last long. And he said I could meet my brother, but Tina will be there. HAHAHAH If she's there she won't be for long.
I'll see to that.
And my grandma called and wanted me to go to her house. ROFL NOT happening. If she thinks my mom is such a bad person, but waited 8 years to call ACS, then she obviously doesn't care about me. I know my whole family looks at me like I'm a horrible person. Not only cause of my mom, but beacuase I'm stubborn.
And they shouldn't be mad since it's the only thing I got from them.
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| My writer's block was gone |
[16 Feb 2006|04:40pm] |
for a split second on the bus this morning.
Tell me all your secrets,
tell me all your fears,
Tell me all the regrets,
You've had over the years.
And I'll tell you something,
something good to hear,
I am scared of nothing
as long as you are near.
-Tara Vella
Yes. It's short. But yeah...It's nice.
And I got a little stoned today with Jacob,Russell and Mark-my elementary school freinds!
YESYESYES
memories...
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| Valentine's Day |
[14 Feb 2006|03:50pm] |
Valentine's day pisses me off.
There's so many people bitching about the fact that they don't have a valentine.
Here's an idea: maybe if you didn't whine so much, people would actually love you.
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